......revelations of one woman's reality of life, love, and all things hopeful...

Saturday, April 18, 2009

This is one of those posts.

It's one of those posts that cause me to feel sorry for you, the reader. Seriously. It's hard for me to believe you would spend your time reading my ramblings. Don't misunderstand....I'm thankful that you do...but it beats the "heck-far" out of me as to why you keep coming back.

I suppose that's the good thing about a blog (which is short for "web log", just in case you ever wondered!)- the blogger can write and ramble all she wants, and people can read as much or as little as they choose to read. The blogger can use proper grammar if she chooses, or she can write like there ain't no such thang as good English. The blogger can be as transparent as she wants to be. She can even go back and delete the post if she regrets ever putting it out there.

Anyway...back to my thoughts for today...

I don't know why I'm making this such a big deal. The race, that is. And my heel.

I've encountered greater stressors than this race and an aching heel. For example, one time I was walking my faithful friend Barclay in my neighborhood when I lived in Scottsboro, when suddenly a big, mean, yellow dog came running out of nowhere and started attacking my Barclay. I thought my heart would surely stop. I'm terrified of big, mean yellow dogs, and I was afraid he would kill Barclay then start on me. Somehow, I scraped up the courage, rared back, and kicked that hateful dog in the ribs with as much strength as I could muster. My Number 9 did the trick. Big mean yellow dog went on his merry way.

Yes, I've had a few stressors. I broke up a cat-fight here at TWH not too long ago. I'll spare you the details, but imagine the craziest Jerry Springer episode possible. Jerry Springer has professional bouncers with big muscles to handle such situations (not that I watch the show or anything, I just notice occasionally as I surf the channels...ahem, ahem...). I'm working out at the gym now and all, but I ain't got no big arm muscles. Nevertheless, I came through the stress just fine I suppose.

Stressor: Doc calls the house and says "Is there someone there with you? I need to talk to you."

There have been other stressors that I don't even care to write about tonight. I try to think "If I can make it through that, then I surely can make it through this race, for Heaven's sake."

It's like I'm really, really scared, but I don't really know why I am scared. I looked at some race videos on youtube tonight, and guess what...Yep! You guessed it! I started crying!!!

What?

Seriously?

For real?

Crying?

Yes, the tears-running-down-my-face kind of crying where you get that funny feeling in your nose right before it starts.

Gimme a break!

What am I so afraid of with this dumb race?

Afraid of the pain?
Afraid that I've not trained enough, especially here at the end?
Afraid of the hills on the course?
Afraid of not finishing?
Afraid of finishing last?
Afraid of disappointing someone if the Doc tells me to stay home? (Got a doc's appointment Wed about this heel problem).

How negative my thinking is.

Sounds like that familiar sin-problem of pride to me. Like...

...I shouldn't have to experience pain...
...I shouldn't have to work so hard for so long to get ready for a single event...
...I'm too good to be last...
...I'm too good to let him think bad of me...

Ugh. How irrational!

This is what I must remember (this is in the good ole KJV, which is handy here on my desk, but I know that I like the NIV better...):

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (for our weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. (II Corintians 10:4-5)

These irrational fears (what if I finish last....what if I disappoint someone...what if...what if...what if...) are strong holds in my mind. They are taking the focus away from Christ and His control of my life.

What then, is my weapon? It's bringing every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.

Here are the truths which can combat the irrational fears that are taking root in my mind and heart...
  • When I humble myself under His almighty hand, in due time He will lift me up. (Be gone, pride!)
  • Apart from Him, I can do nothing. With Him, all things are possible. (Be gone, fear of failure!)
  • He has loved me with an everlasting love! Only His opinion matters! (Be gone, fear of disappointing others!)

If I participate, I participate. If I don't, I don't. All I know to do right now is listen to the doctor.

And if I do participate (which I'm thinking I will...)

...If I finish, I finish. If I don't, I don't.

If I finish last. So what?

Whew-wee.

I feel better now.

Goodnight everyone.



4 comments:

K. Tilley said...

It was so good to meet you yesterday at New Home. What an Awesome service. I'm still on a "Blessing High"..... My sister was the one who gave the second testimony. The Lord has brought her a Long Long way! It's been four years since Taylor left us. Wasn't sure that I'd ever see her happy again but Praise God He is Good All The Time!!!!

As for stressing over the race, I can relate to the time when I decided to go back to college. I had been out for twenty years and it had been 22 years since I had had a math class. I stink at math!!!!!!! I stressed over having to take the placement exam to enter college again after so long. How stupid I would feel if I failed......What would people think?.....The person giving the test would surely think I was crazy~ But then God gave me the courage to "Just do It" What ever happens will happen. And I passed!!! Passed English and Reading with flying colors. Passed math just barely but I passed with His help. Every time I answered a problem I prayed. So, I say all this to say.....If the doc tells you it's ok to do the race just do it and if the doc says it's a no go......then that's ok to. God see's the big picture and He knows what's best for ya!

Well, there's no charge for my highly valued opinon......lol Do have a great day and hope doc appointment goes well!

Anonymous said...

`You are one of the strongest toughest persons I know! Shay

shehalljow said...

Just a thought...you have paced yourself on your weight loss/training and done so in a way to maintain and better your health. If you are putting your health-aka heel-at risk, then you shouldn't push yourself. If you get the OK from doc to participate in the race, don't push it. If you finish, all the better but look at all you've accomplished in these last few months. If you do push it and hurt yourself worse, you could be "out of commission" for awhile. No matter if you participate or not, I love you and am so proud of you...know what else? YOU'VE COME A LONG WAY, BABY!

TheiaC said...

Thanks everybody!

K. Tilley...i was happy to meet you too!!! I remember when Taylor died. That community has been through so much...it's difficult to fathom.