It's one of those posts that cause me to feel sorry for you, the reader. Seriously. It's hard for me to believe you would spend your time reading my ramblings. Don't misunderstand....I'm thankful that you do...but it beats the "heck-far" out of me as to why you keep coming back.
I suppose that's the good thing about a blog (which is short for "web log", just in case you ever wondered!)- the blogger can write and ramble all she wants, and people can read as much or as little as they choose to read. The blogger can use proper grammar if she chooses, or she can write like there ain't no such thang as good English. The blogger can be as transparent as she wants to be. She can even go back and delete the post if she regrets ever putting it out there.
Anyway...back to my thoughts for today...
I don't know why I'm making this such a big deal. The race, that is. And my heel.
I've encountered greater stressors than this race and an aching heel. For example, one time I was walking my faithful friend Barclay in my neighborhood when I lived in Scottsboro, when suddenly a big, mean, yellow dog came running out of nowhere and started attacking my Barclay. I thought my heart would surely stop. I'm terrified of big, mean yellow dogs, and I was afraid he would kill Barclay then start on me. Somehow, I scraped up the courage, rared back, and kicked that hateful dog in the ribs with as much strength as I could muster. My Number 9 did the trick. Big mean yellow dog went on his merry way.
Yes, I've had a few stressors. I broke up a cat-fight here at TWH not too long ago. I'll spare you the details, but imagine the craziest Jerry Springer episode possible. Jerry Springer has professional bouncers with big muscles to handle such situations (not that I watch the show or anything, I just notice occasionally as I surf the channels...ahem, ahem...). I'm working out at the gym now and all, but I ain't got no big arm muscles. Nevertheless, I came through the stress just fine I suppose.
Stressor: Doc calls the house and says "Is there someone there with you? I need to talk to you."
There have been other stressors that I don't even care to write about tonight. I try to think "If I can make it through that, then I surely can make it through this race, for Heaven's sake."
It's like I'm really, really scared, but I don't really know why I am scared. I looked at some race videos on youtube tonight, and guess what...Yep! You guessed it! I started crying!!!
Yes, the tears-running-down-my-face kind of crying where you get that funny feeling in your nose right before it starts.
Gimme a break!
What am I so afraid of with this dumb race?
Afraid of the pain?
Afraid that I've not trained enough, especially here at the end?
Afraid of the hills on the course?
Afraid of not finishing?
Afraid of finishing last?
Afraid of disappointing someone if the Doc tells me to stay home? (Got a doc's appointment Wed about this heel problem).
How negative my thinking is.
Sounds like that familiar sin-problem of pride to me. Like...
...I shouldn't have to experience pain...
...I shouldn't have to work so hard for so long to get ready for a single event...
...I'm too good to be last...
...I'm too good to let him think bad of me...
Ugh. How irrational!
This is what I must remember (this is in the good ole KJV, which is handy here on my desk, but I know that I like the NIV better...):
For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (for our weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ. (II Corintians 10:4-5)
These irrational fears (what if I finish last....what if I disappoint someone...what if...what if...what if...) are strong holds in my mind. They are taking the focus away from Christ and His control of my life.
What then, is my weapon? It's bringing every thought captive to the obedience of Christ.
Here are the truths which can combat the irrational fears that are taking root in my mind and heart...
- When I humble myself under His almighty hand, in due time He will lift me up. (Be gone, pride!)
- Apart from Him, I can do nothing. With Him, all things are possible. (Be gone, fear of failure!)
- He has loved me with an everlasting love! Only His opinion matters! (Be gone, fear of disappointing others!)
If I participate, I participate. If I don't, I don't. All I know to do right now is listen to the doctor.
And if I do participate (which I'm thinking I will...)
...If I finish, I finish. If I don't, I don't.
If I finish last. So what?
I feel better now.