......revelations of one woman's reality of life, love, and all things hopeful...

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Must I Practice What I Preach?

Ok, Bethy. Here's a good story for you. Hopefully no tears at the end. It would be my dream come true, however, if you did laugh until you cried. There's no socially redeeming value to this tale, but it's completely true, and so completely typical of my life. Enjoy.

"Adults who obey the law generally are not in danger of going to jail or losing custody of their children. Always avoid even the appearance of breaking the law and you will be okay." That's what I tell the girls here. There's this underlying fear that they have sometimes that they will lose custody of their babies and be helpless in regaining custody. I know we've all heard terrible stories of innocent people serving years in prison to eventually be found innocent through DNA testing or new evidence. These examples, though horrifying to imagine that can happen in the US, are likely rare exceptions. Generally speaking, responsible, law-abiding citizens are not in danger of going to prison or losing custody of their children.

That's why following the rules is really a big deal in this house. It's not so much about taking the trash out if it's your day to do so, it's about being responsible and following the rules. It's about being considerate of others. It's about being classy ladies rather than rebellious, trashy brats.

Recently a problem developed in the house, so I declared a new rule that would hopefully eliminate the problem: No passing gas in the kitchen. Period. Anyone observed passing gas in the kitchen would be punished to the full extent of the law by cleaning every toilet in the house. Period. End of story. I'm serious. It's a house rule now.

Surprisingly, it worked. Our chief offender also happens to be the most repulsed by household chores, so she wanted no part of extra toilet-cleaning duty. There has been no more passing gas in the kitchen.

So Tuesday evening, I am sitting at the table in the kitchen (which is positioned between the t.v. room and the formal living room) talking to my friend Linda on the telephone. Maggie is sitting on the couch watching a movie in the t.v. room and LeeAnn is stretched out on the couch napping in the living room. While chatting with Linda I have full view of both girls.

I'm sitting there talking on the phone when suddenly a monster or demon or invisible elephant or something runs under my chair and lets out the loudest, although quick and harmless, poot. I looked and looked for the monster, demon, or elephant but could not find it. It must have been me who pooted. It just popped out there while I was talking on the phone before I ever knew what happened!

Linda was rattling on and on about something important, I'm sure, but it felt to me like time came to a screeching halt! All I could think of was cleaning toilets if the girls noticed me breaking the law. LeeAnn raised up off the couch out of her deep sleep, annoyed, and looked at me with squinted eyes. Maggie perked up and looked at me with her mouth open. Maggie got up and waddled her pregnant belly across the kitchen, walked right past me into the living room, and looked over the couch at LeeAnn who had already resumed her nap.

Maggie, smiling, pointed to LeeAnn and mouthed to me the words "Was that her?"

Then I sinned.

I shook my head affirmatively.

Maggie just snickered and snickered! "She's dead to the world asleep!"

I got so tickled! By that time, Linda was completely frustrated for I had not heard a word she was saying. I could not even talk to Linda for laughing. It was that deep, hard laugh. The one where your face is red and your mouth is open but no sound is coming out kind-of-laugh. The kind of laugh that's most annoying to others if they don't know what's so funny. Linda didn't know what was so funny, so she just hung up.

Sorry, Linda. Guess you had to be there.

Neither LeeAnn nor Maggie ever mentioned the incident again, thank Heavens!

Everyone will be cleaning their own toilets this week.

1 comment:

shehalljow said...

Oh, my goodness! You were right! I laughed so hard I shed tears! But what was most funny to me was picturing Linda and how irritated she must have been!